I remember reading a book by this name when I was very young – maybe 11 or 12 – I was in this phase where I was reading everything written by Ayn Rand – Atlas Shrugged, The Fountainhead, The Romantic Manifesto and We The Living among others, thanks to the influence of fans of hers at home. I overheard someone in the family once say that I was being spoiled by all these books and they were influencing me negatively. They certainly did influence me and for a very long time I kept comparing people I met to characters in those books – immediately falling in love with people who seemed like Howard Roark and John Galt and hating anyone who seemed in the remotest like Ellsworth Toohey, promoting mediocrity. I sometimes secretly wondered if some of my behaviors were I more like Toohey’s than Howard Roark’s or John Galt’s and even occasionally despised myself if I found they were. I totally agreed with Rand’s philosophy and everything she said – it all seemed to make sense to me. I wanted to be like her heroes and live up to the ideals they held. And I totally agreed that there was nothing but virtue in selfishness.
But when I’ve looked at the things I’ve done and how I’ve lived my life to date, though I’m sure observers consider me very selfish, never seeming to have the interests of those around me at heart, they probably don’t realize that I didn’t have my own interests at heart either – and so never really excelled at anything I did. I never sat and thought about what I wanted and so never conducted my life according to those needs – in any sphere – I just kept doing what I thought was expected of me – by anyone and everyone (usually just random ‘anyones’) but me – in the end giving life to that nagging little thought that perhaps I was more like Toohey after all and just by the nature of the way I behaved encouraged mediocrity in and all around me. I think some of that was taught to me by adults around me, who constantly kept trying to teach that one shouldn’t be selfish, one should consider everyone else etc. – those things may be fine as far as, say, adjusting the thermostat in the room or making sure those around you are physically comfortable etc. – but beyond that, if you start conducting yourself based on everyone else’s needs, then unless that’s really what you want to do, it serves no one.
But Toohey was never who I aspired to be and he’s certainly not my ideal. I think I am so fortunate to have this time to regroup and reflect on my life. My intention going forward is to be selfish – very truly selfish – and that has nothing to do with material things or money or anything like that – just making sure that every step I take and every thing I do serves my interest and where I think I want to go – hopefully, where I know I want to go and must go. If that selfishness leads me to do something that actually helps others, that’s just great, but to just do things thinking that that’s what others want or what’s expected of me or is the noble thing to do and then resent everyone around me will in the end be a disservice to everyone else.
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You aren't selfish. Although I must admit I'm not sure I understand what the word means, now I think about it. Am I selfish if I take the last piece of pie on the plate without asking if someone else wants it? Probably. Am I selfish if I lie in bed till 10 am? Yes if I'm avoiding work when others toil; no if I'm resting my muscles so I can work better later. It's a matter of perspective. What's behind one's selfishness? In your case I think you've overloaded yourself during the past 5 years, and you need to spend some time attending to your injuries. You're going through a new phase in your life where you're being tested, and you need strength. Be selfish and don't make excuses.
ReplyDeleteChris
That's so thoughtful and sweet. I'm glad a couple of people are actually reading this stuff, gives me incentive to post.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we tend to do unselfish things also for selfish reasons without knowing that we are being selfish. For example one’s unselfishness towards his/her significant-other could be influenced by love, care and loyalty that you are receiving from him/her, so in this case not being selfish is actually driven by self-interest.
ReplyDeleteI think at the end of the day it does not matter how we define selfishness, to me It is the thought behind one’s action that matters. If you did something purely out of kindness and not because of obligations (sociality, family, other’s perception on you) then you would have never regretted of the outcome or its negative impact to your life.
I agree that if you start conducting yourself based on everyone else’s need you probably will not end up where you really want to be in life.
We all have to exercise some aspect of selfishness in order to survive, but we need to mange it without going in to extremes.
Cha
Yes, Cha, I agree. I think if one does something out of true kindness, there is no question of regretting it's impact on one's life - and any time I (or anyone else) says 'but I did this and this and this...' and 'he did nothing for me in return...' or whatever, it's pathetic (and I have been guilty of that on many an occasion) - the lesson I have learned is don't do it if you don't want to (that's the ideal situation) and if you still do it even if not out of kindness but just as some act that needs to get done, just don't expect anything in return. But some of us are not born wise (unfortunately for us), like the rest of us, and perhaps we are mean and nasty people which is why things didn't go well for us and put is in an even worse mood :-).
ReplyDeleteBut, I think that major things in one's life should be based on self-needs,however one defines those, because it is only possible to care for others if some fundamental needs of one's own are met - or maybe that's just how I feel. But I must say that looking around me, that's what I see. People build towards their dreams (or reconcile themselves to whatever they have - which is another way of aligning needs to reality) and then it is easy to be kind, help others etc - no one suggests trampling other people etc. while doing that - just that the fundamental driver needs to be your own, not someone else's.